WINK:	I'm your host Wink Martendale, and it's time for another exciting game of Fade..
       Into... Obscurity! 
<Audience goes wild, people waving their arms and shouting as the camera pans over them>
WINK:	Three celebrities, hidden behind these masks reminiscent of The Wall,
       will answer questions and roll a large, fuzzy die in an attempt to step down gracefully from the
       limelight - and win fabulous prizes! 
<The celebrities, all in identical blue uniforms, stand still behind blue pedestals.>
WINK:	But first - let's choose our lucky audience member, who will get to -
       you guessed it, folks - 
AUDIENCE: 	EAT! THEIR! HAND!
WINK: 	That's right! Today's lucky winner is... <opens envelope> Patricia Ventt! Come on
       down, Ms. Ventt!
<A thin screaming woman runs down stairs, falling once and bruising her arm.>
WINK:	Now, Patricia, why don't you tell us a little bit about myself? <the
       woman blinks, adjusting her hair> Looks like I'm already a winner! <rim shot> No really, Patricia, take
       a moment and tell us about yourself.
PATRICIA: <bounces> I'm a single mother of two from Boise, Idaho and I
       love your show so much! I had a dream five years ago about getting to be the lucky girl who eats her
       hand in front of you, Mr. Wink, and I've been camping out outside your studio ever since and I used to
       weigh three hundred pounds but since I have relied on the kindness of strangers to eat for four years I
       have lost a hundred and sixty pounds! <audience cheers wildly, some throw food> 
WINK:	 <smiles broadly and pats her on the back> That's wonderful, dear.
       What are your children's names?
PATRICIA: <goes stock still, and after a moment> FUCK. I left them in
       Boise five years ago! <she dashes off stage, followed by two security guards all in black with tasers.>
WINK:	 <coughs slightly and smiles wide, gesturing to the three
       celebrities at game-show desks themed in blue.> Well, I guess there will be no hand-eating today.
       <Awwwwww from audience> Unless Patti's kids have been eating their own hands since she forgot to feed
       them! <audience laughter, scattered cheering>
WINK:	After a short commercial break, we'll be asking the First Question to
       our three competitors! 
 <theme music, fade to black>

 <dancing monkey on screen, juggling blenders>
MONKEY:	 I like frappes! I am a
       monkey! <monkey grows a giant phallus from forehead. It dangles and drips.> Now I am a cockmonkey!
<ice cream truck drives by in front of monkey, and monkey no longer has
       a cock on its head, and is holding a frappe>
MONKEY:	 I traded my cock for a quiescently frozen confection!
 <monkey drinks frappe, and then coughs up blood Oh no! They made the
       frappe from my magical forehead-cock!
 <monkey runs off screen, and the words "MONKEY FRAPPES" appear in
       big pink letters on screen along with xylophone music> 

 <commercial for Gap clothing follows: "Everyone In Straight-Jackets"
       dancing to "Singing In The Rain." One person falls and is tasered by guards.> 

 <car advertisment follows. The car is round.> 

ANNOUNCER: And now it's time for more Fade Into Obscurity!, with Wink Martendale!
      
 <Wink opens an envelope and puts his hand to his cheek in mock surprse>
WINK:	 Oh look! It's an Audience Participation Question! <cheers> Let's grab someone from the audience! <the
       security guards drag back Patricia, with a black eye and her dress torn. She appears to be on
       sedatives.> Oh Look, it's Patricia! Hi Patricia! <one of the guards makes her wave by moving her arm.
       She moans softly> 
 <The players (who have remained largely still) step back, and their
       desks turn into comfortable easy chairs. They sit down, each wearing an identical orange jumpsuit.
       Patricia is tossed roughly into a similar chair facing them.>
WINK:	 All right, now, let's pretend it's a
       dinner party! <each audience member is handed a small glass of champagne. Wink uncorks a bottle and
       pours for the contestants and Patricia, none of whom move. He swigs from the bottle and grins widely as
       an attractive though slightly malnourished woman in a sheer gown and shackles takes it away from him
       and shuffles back offstage
<the chairs have footrests slid in front of them, the three for the
       contestants having indicators for a numerical score. Wink continues to stand in the center of it all,
       holding a cordless microphone.>
WINK:	 Now, Contestant number 1, what do you do if Patricia here asks you
       about your family? <the woman gurgles slightly, clawing at her own arm> 
 <a voice that might be coming from the masked figure, in theory, and
       sounds like a man's voice, says>
PLAYER 1: My grandfather slept with Winston Churchhill. 
 <the audience cheers.
       Patricia continues clawing at her own arm.> 
 <Wink whirls around and points to the second contestant.>
WINK:	 And you,
       Contestant Number 2?
 <an identical voice says>
PLAYER 2: I eat children. Especially young ones. <The
       audience ooohs and aaaahs, one woman throwing her baby onto the stage, Security picks it up and takes
       it backstage. Wink turns to Patricia>
WINK:	 Patricia? <she continues clawing, making gargling noises and
       drooling.> 
 <the third contestant moves its left arm slightly and jerkily towards
       the champagne, and the security goons quickly tase it.> 
 <Wink gives the thumbs-down signal, and all of the audience does so with
       him.> 
 <The security goons pull out hammers and start beating on the mask,
       which eventually shatters to reveal a bruised and battered Keanu Reaves with one eye missing.>
WINK:	 Looks
       like you lose, buddy! No Obscurity for you! Now audience, what do you choose?!?!
 <each audience member
       selects a button on a touch screen>
 <A screen pops up behind the chairs, displaying the choices "Food!"
       "Crucify!" and "Bath!" There is a percentage next to each one; Food is 20%, Crucify is 47%, and Bath is
       33%. The audience begins to chant "Cru-ci-FY! cru-ci-FY!"> 
 <The chair sinks into the stage floor, the guards holding the man limp
       above the open space where the chair was. A cross made of wrought iron sldies up in its place, about
       fifteen feet tall. They attach him to it as it goes up, and then it nails him in, his silent howls of
       pain making his face contort.> 
 <The audience keeps chanting, as Wink turns to the camera and says 
happily> 
WINK:	We'll be right back.