Calling this a "wine puttanesca" would probably get me beat up if I hung
out with real chefs. It works great on the uneducated though.

INGREDIENTS

Spices:
 * oregano
 * basil
 * maybe rosemary, maybe not
 * red pepper flakes

Sauce:
 * the plainest tomato sauce you can find, not too chunky
 * maybe a dash of heavy cream
 * some old cheap chianti left over from dinner last week
   (note: use chianti. DO NOT USE COTE DU RHONE)

Stuff:
 * kalamata olives
 * capers
 * optional little tiny mozzarella balls

Letting this simmer for about a half hour is ideal, though really you
can serve it once it's warm. Basically:

 1. In an unoiled saucepan, heat spices for 30-60 seconds.
 2. Add the tomato sauce. 
 3. Stir in spices.
 4. For every 14 oz of tomato sauce, add around 2 oz of Chianti.
 5. Add maybe an ounce of cream; this isn't necessary but adds
    thickness and a little sweetness. If you don't do this, consider
    adding a little bit of brown sugar instead. (I actually like the
    brown sugar better but maybe I just secretly want to be vegan)
 6. Add in the olives and capers. You can't use too many. Other people
    might tell you "This is too many olives!" or "How can you eat capers
    all in a spoon like that oh my god where did you AAAAA---" but they
    are wrong. When the revolution comes, capers will reign supreme.
 7. Simmer for a while, and then serve over pasta. The amount of sauce 
    that you want is something like 20-24oz of tomato sauce per pound of
    pasta, but I like my pasta very saucy. You might not need as much. 
 8. If you want, throw in some mozzarella balls right before you put the
    sauce on the pasta, and let them melt in. Delicious!

Yay!